Calamity; An event causing great and often sudden damage or distress; a disaster

Ever since I was young I have always been a bit of a clumsy git.

I was CONSISTENTLY falling over in the playground at Primary School, scraping my knee and lodging playground grit into the bloody crevices of my sore hands. OHHHHH THE PAIN. 

Back in the day. Before the following happened and I quickly became one huge calamity.....



When I was about 9 years old I began an 18 month stint of being in what seemed like constant pain and plaster casts.
That's right, I broke my arms not one, not two, but THREE times in the space of 18 months. I quite literally have no idea how I do it.

ARM ONE:
My brother and I were playing 'football' in our family's church hall, against two other young boys, whilst our dads helped hang Christmas Decorations. One of the boys we were playing against had taken his shoes off and kicked them to the side of the 'pitch'. As the game got slightly heated one of the boys and I went in for a tackle (i'm not exactly 'down' with the football lingo btw) and as overly fumbly as I am I OFCOURSE tripped over his shoes and landed on my arm - my wrist buckled.
My main worry was not for my arm, but the fear of missing out on the Pathfinders (Our church's pre teen youth group) trip to see Joseph on the West End. THAT was just inconceivable to me.
4 hours in A&E later....... a VERY stroppy nine year old with a fetching white plastercast on her right arm.

NOSE ONE:
Figured I may as well get this one in here......
In class 5 I had my head deep inside my brand spanking new wooden desk looking for my favourite pencil .... whilst holding the roof of my large desk up with my left hand and searching for my stationary with my right. FOR SOME STUPID REASON I let go of the desk lid to search with my left hand as well. OFCOURSE the large wooden lid came slamming down onto the ridge of my nose. Even the distant memory of it makes my eyes water in pain. 
1 hour in the nurses office later...... a rather bemused mother and a very stupid young girl refusing to go to the hospital or to wear the special skin binding strips that were recommended to her.

ARM TWO:
Literally a few months after the first accident I was sitting in my class 5 classroom longingly waiting for the playtime bell to ring. BRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGGG!!!
Twenty screaming children came running out of the classroom at full speed. I was one of them. Unfortunately, I slipped, on what I can only assume was a wet patch on the floor (although, at the time i think i pretended it was a banana for humour's sake) and fell forward straight into a HUGE thick metal pipe. My arm took the full brunt of the force.
3 hours in A&E later...... a VERY stroppy mother with a very ashamed daughter wearing a fibreglass cast on her left arm.

ARM THREE:
Another few months had passed since my previous breakage. My friends and I were playing stuck in the mud in the playground. Ahhhh those were the days. I had managed to leg it across the playground unscathed by the 'tagger' and had made camp on the home base - a picnic bench. I was sitting happy when SUDDENLY I felt a push from behind me - the tagger had sneakily and viciously decided to try and push me off of the home base. WHAT A CHEAT. Now, I rather stupidly had sat on the top of the picnic bench and had tucked my feet under the seat. Sooooooo when the horrid little girl pushed me off I fell HEAD first from the top of the bench onto a concrete floor. Rather than SMASHING my forehead into the ground and risking brain hemorrhage I decided to put out my, now rather weak, arms to break my fall.
4 and a half hours in A&E later.....a VERY unsurprised mother with a VERY humiliated daughter with a fibreglass cast on her right arm.


ANKLE ONE:
In my secondary school, we always had a huge end of year assembly with the whole school - on the last day of term. I always dreaded it. When the whole school had assembly together we always had to sit cross legged, boiling hot, piled on top of our classmates on the dusty floor of our hall. After a VERYYYYY long and drawn out assembly we were finally dismissed row by row. I stood up... and literally DROPPED to the ground. My left foot had gone to sleep.... I was so unaware of it that when I stood up my ankle had double over and cracked.
1 hour of sitting with my father (head of maths at my school) in the school hall.... on the first day of the summer..... a VERY VERY red faced, angry 13 year old, with a purple and black foot... on crutches.

ANKLE TWO:
On my placement year from Uni I was interning in Knightsbridge and was out on my lunch break. I popped into the Office shoes shop in the hope of finding a bargain in their closing down sale. I had been coveting some shoes for quite sometime but couldn't justify their price, seeing as I was working for free and thus had no ACTUAL income to speak of.
There they were. The last pair of THE shoes in the shop. Size 6. Discounted. OH EM GEE, IT'S A SIGN. I couldn't resist.
That Saturday my friend Jemma and I were having a night out in Wimbledon - I was house sitting for my brother so we got ready at his house. I wore THE shoes. We were LITERALLY out the door, when I realised I had forgotten my eyeliner (not even an essential for a night out...) I quickly 'ran' back in and grabbed the eyeliner from the coffee table in the lounge. I span round to exit when.... CRACK ... I fell to the floor. My foot lay beneath me crippling in pain. "JEMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA". I literally couldn't even stand. That night was a failure to say the least.
1 and a half hours in A&E...... a completely dumbfounded father pushing a completely humiliated daughter around in a wheel chair. (Said daughter then demanded a pair of crutches, which she realised are ALOT of effort).


The devil shoes of which I speak......

Having pulled these shoes out from the back of my wardrobe (I have not worn them since that fatal night..... EXCELLENT waste of money).... I realised they still had the skid/smudge marks on them from where I fell. TWO YEARS AGO.

Just incase you can't see clearly enough........ check out that white marking.


Ok.... so since this event I have pretty much steered clear of heels, having gotten my two bridesmaid duties out of the way I have stuck to flats. Safe, reliable... and dull yes. 
Apart from a few icey falls in Berlin...... thanks to some very poor grip... i have basically managed to remain upright for the last 2 years. HURRAH. 


UNTIL.......


KNEE ONE:
Last Friday.
I had been at Jemma's for dinner and a film the night before, and had mentioned that all of my boots now had holes in their soles, and thanks to the HIDEOUS weather we have been experiencing in London I consequently had permanently wet feet. Jem very kindly offered me a pair of her boots, which I have to admit I KNEW very well she would offer up. A very generous young lady. 


FYI... i have explained to Jem that she will more than likely receive her boots back with holes in the soles, coated in alcohol and vomit and with the left foot missing. THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE. 


Back to the point. I was wearing Jemma's boots, which have a SLIGHT heal on them. When i say slight, i mean slight. I had been keeping a close eye on the stormy weather outside and had decided to dash out once the rain had calmed to fetch my lunch. I went to the closest possible cafe and picked up a sandwich to take back to the office. I was exiting the cafe.... squeezing my way past the line of hungry customers when WHAM. I did the splits... and somehow managed to land THWACK (great word) on my right knee. Three rather gentlemanly men swiftly aided me up and asked if i was hurt, to which i responded "Just my pride" (I thought to myself "YES I have always wanted to say that!!!!"). I quickly scampered out of the cafe. Can't return there for a while.


Apparently it wasn't 'Just my pride' that was injured - My Right knee is hideously swollen and covered in 3 different types of bruises...... one of which is below:

OH I am an actual joke..... 

YOLO; You Only Live Once

Last week my old School friends and I received the following email:

Now..... I have absolutely no issue with going into Central for dinner/drinks on a work night. I also have no issue with going 'out out' on a 'School night'.... so down with the Kool Kids lingo there. 


Just had a little debate with Mother about the content of my blogs 
MUM: "Ohhhhhh you're not writing another blog post about you being drunk are you??"
Me: **avoiding eye contact** "It's not for you to read!"
MUM: "You are very witty, but it would be nice to read something that's not about you throwing, chucking or puking up because you're soooo drunk"
ME: "WELL..... the posts are about my stupidities... which happen mostly when i'm drunk"
MUM: **Disapproving groan**


And now i've lost my train of thought. Perfect.

So my chums and I met at Southbank and had a quick drink - one of those mini bottles of wine each to be precise.

A mini bottle.... THAT I DIDN'T EVEN FINISH and yet still felt it go to my head. How embarrassing.

Off we trotted to Ping Pong - for those of you even more clueless than me. Ping Pong is a restaurant. We were most definitely NOT off to play a miniature game of tennis.

So bright eyed and cheery....... watch this space

Lauren and I figured we may as well share a bottle of the house white, the name of which I had never heard of before and had great trouble pronouncing - cheapskates yes, but it was pleasant enough.
After we had ordered ours.... BAM..... the boys get their order in "Oh we'll share a bottle of the Pinot Grigio please" BASTARDS. A second bottle of this was to follow I might add.


The SECOND the drink started flowing a looming suggestion came from Jamie's mouth "Sooooo, anyone up for going out out?"
For those of you who have been living under a rock:
Out - Anywhere from Cinema to casual drinks
Out Out - Many Many drinks, dancing and falling into bed at 3/4/5am.

UH OH. The suggestion we had all been considering but were too afraid to bring up had been put out there for us to ponder. I have to admit Jamie's suggestion was pretty much shunned at first. We had all had a long day at work and were just out for some casual drinks, dimsum and chitchat with friends.


After we had consumed a table of Dimsum the general consensus was "Let the drinking continue!!"
We headed off in the direction of Soho..... the main topic of conversation on the Bakerloo line being this:

I LITERALLY spent about 10 minutes trying to explain this image to my comrades. I failed.

Once we reached Soho we wandered aimlessly until i finally pushed the group in the direction of Barrio Central. Moreeeeeeee drinking..... many toilet trips.... a strange encounter with a girl we went to school with and some TEQUILA shots - minus the lemon and salt much to my disgust.

As the time came for the last trains from Waterloo the group started dropping like flies. Just Lauren, Jamie and myself left.
"Let's go out out!!"
"But Coop, when is the last train??"
"Fuck trains Lozzo, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE"

This was pretty much our conversation for the next 30 minutes until we finally made our way to Roxy Bar, in which we met up with Jamie's bumchum Toby, who had crashed our meal and then dropped us before Barrio.
I don't remember much about Roxy - cheap entry and cheap drinks was enough to please me.

After lots of dancing and drinks spilling the clock was fast approaching 2.30am.

Lauren and I made the decision to leave and attempt a journey home.
"Guys guys guys, just stay at Toby's with us. Toby and I can share (ohhh I bet you can.........BROMANCE)."
"I REFUSE to go into work tomorrow wearing the same outfit I wore today. I work for a fashion company for Christ's sake." - WISE. I think

So, here Lauren and I were, on Oxford Street attempting to find a bus home. Vigorously searching on TFL.com for our best option. I knew what I needed to do but I could not for the life of me figure out how to do it.
We hopped onto a bus ...... headed for Hammersmith. I do NOT live near Hammersmith. I quickly said goodbye to Lozzo, hopped off the bus and quite naively went on my way, alone.
I needed a number 6 bus. YES found one. Got on "I need to get to Trafalgar square please"
2 minutes into the journey I heard the bus driver shout down the bus to me "Sorry love, I just realised I am going the wrong way for you!!"
"FUCK...."
Jumped off the bus and back onto Oxford Street - ruddy long street.

Walked around practically in tears. Considering taking the boys up on their offer. My pride stopped me.
I flagged down a black cab, who I think only stopped because he felt sorry for me.
"I need to get to Trafalgar square to join the N87 bus route please"
HE GOT ME THERE.
Waited about 10 minutes at the bus stop, freezing my ass off, then the bus to Kingston came along. THANK GOD.

Whilst on the bus, still rather drunk and short on entertainment, I actually managed to make myself LOL for a good couple of minutes.
I get this a lot - when something tickles you so much even hours/days later you can think of it and still get a quivering lip or even let out a couple of chuckles. 
My small guffaw was caused by an incident at dinner. The waiter had come over with the boys' wine and had offered to pour a glass for Toby, who had directed the waiter towards Jamie and politely said "Ladies first". Immediately, the waiter turned to pour Jamie a glass without even a lifting of the eyebrow or a questionable glance.
I found it INCREDIBLY hard to fight back the chortles on my bus home. Luckily the people surrounding me were dead to the world.

After a long and cold bus journey I got off at New Malden and got a quick taxi home. FINALLY made it into bed at 4.20am. ONE HOUR AND NINE MINUTES LATER ..... MY ALARM WENT OFF.
I was so scared to snooze it, for fear of falling back into an unwakeable slumber, I just lay there wide eyed and lifeless.


Not only was I having to get up and go to work on under 2 hours sleep I also had to go for a BLOOD TEST before work. OH GOSH I hate myself.
Went into the doctors. Sat down. Waited. "Rachel Cooper". "Hello". "Hi". "Please can you roll your sleeve up". SIGH. "Oh now, don't worry it won't hurt too much, you'll be fine"**. She took my blood. Put a plaster on my arm. "Right there you go, all finished promise". I took a curious glance at my blood. NO LIE - I swear I could see alcohol separation in there. I quietly walked out.


**I didn't have the heart to tell her my surliness was in no way down to a fear of needles. More down to the fact that I WAS HANGING LIKE HELL and did not want to vomit on her face.


Even now I have a hideous bruise on my arm from this Blood Test, I look like a crack head. Fabulous.

After a VERY dodgy train journey into work, the majority of which was spent clamping my lips together for fear of a stomach turn, I sat down at my desk - this was of course followed by a great deal of laughing and abuse from my colleagues.

The emails start rolling in......

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I HATE MY LIFE. 


UNTIL.................. Jamie, who works for a very well known (and strict) company sent the following email:

Moral of the story. YOLO - YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
                                                              AND..... there is always someone hanging worse than you.....

Spaghetti Bolognese; Spaghetti served with a sauce of ground beef, tomato, onion, and herbs.

The past week has been pretty heavy on the ol' liver.... or kidneys??? I am not even sure what either of them ACTUALLY do. My VERY average grade C in GCSE Biology has not equipped me with such knowledge. 


The first 'heavy' night was Easter Sunday. We hardworking British were rewarded with an extra long Bank Holiday weekend. WAHEY! Consequently, my brother (right I do go out with other people just so you know..... sometimes) bought a number of Above & Beyond tickets, at Brixton Academy. 


For those of you NOT in the know - Above & Beyond are an English Trance music group formed in 2000 and consist of a the members Jono Grant, Tony McGuinness and Pavo Siljamaki.
Cheers Wikipedia - I may be a fan but I would never be able to retain or recall such specific info.


SO i figured we'd head out about 9.30/10 - grab a couple of drinks in Wimbledon and head to Brixton. NO NO NO my brother invited us round for a lovely Spaghetti Bolognese dinner (remember this...... it may or may not crop up later) and to commence drinking at 6pm.


Now, it being a Trance type night at Brixton Academy.... i knew this would not be an early 'in bed by 1.30am' finish. TECHNICALLY Above & Beyond's set was supposed to end at 4am... HOWEVER... every artist in the world over-runs. And then there is the matter of stumbling your way out of Brixton Academy amongst the cascades of minced people, THEN you have to physically get yourself home - not my forte as we all know. 


We are all eating dinner at dans, having some nice Vodka mixers - I quite 'wisely' decided not to start the night with  wine.
"RIGHT... WE'RE LEAVINGGGGGG"
7pm - glug down the rest of my Vodka & Bitter lemon, say farewell to the dogs and rush out the door. 
8pm - thanks to some hideous South West London Train engineering works over the weekend it took us an HOUR to get to Wimbledon. Hello Suburban my old friend - JUST slipped in before Happy Hour ended. YES. 
After a large chunk of drinking and shots of Cafe Patron (SERIOUSLY, try it!!!!) we move down the road to Pod Bar for more drinking.


Finally got to Brixton to watch Sander Van Doorn and Above & Beyond. 

It.got.messy. By the end I was pretty much A STATE. 


Having seen my state...... my brother STILL thinks we should go with the nightbus option home. DAMMIT he's usually such a reliable Taxi taker. 


We sit at the front of the top deck. OH FUCK A DUCK. I realise that if i open my mouth right now a little more than words will come out.
A little while in to the journey, the urge becomes too strong. I quietly advise the guy sitting next to me to move. He is a friend thank god.... a stranger may have thought I was mental.... they'd probably be right.
"DANNNNNNN you sister is about to chuck." - Blabber mouth!!!
ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD SPLATTER. 
BRIGHT orange bolognese came HURLING out of my mouth onto the bus floor and my hands which got unpleasantly drenched. My brothers girlfriend had to drag my long, pukey hair back out of the way whilst the vomit came up in waves of continuous humiliation. 
My brother then alerts me to the LOVELY orange streak of bile smudged across my face. I just gagged slightly.


We got off the bus at Clapham Junction.... i THINK. I just spent about 5 minutes trying to remember how we actually got home after Vomitgate.
AGAIN we sat at the front of the top deck. WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?????!!!!! The friend next to me decides to crack open a bottle of beer. Oh.HOLY.CRAP you bastard!!!!! I get the urge building in my throat once again and tell him to get out of the way .......... AGAIN.
Luckily, it seems I had nothing left in me to give. 
We arrive in Wimbledon. 
"Urgggggghhh Dan, how are we getting home from here?" 
"we are staying on the bus to Kingston Rach and then walking home" 
"I have to get off. I can't do it. Please can we get a taxi, please"


Arrive at the Taxi rank. "Next taxi will be available in half an hour"
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I refuse to believe that!!!!!!!


After more attempting to be sick and lots of sitting around with cracked lips and a smelly puke hand we finally bag a taxi.


With a severe amount of concentration I manage to keep it together until my brother's road. The Taxi starts to slow.... I open the door and run over to the curb. After some serious convulsing I walk down to Dan's house. He throws open the door and i leg it to the bathroom. 
Looks like the Spaghetti part of the spagbol was deciding to make an appearance at this point. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh enjoy that nice image right there!!

Just FYI.... a couple of days later I was having dinner with my chum Jemma - deciding what to cook and she (unknowlingly) suggests "Spaghetti Bolognese". My Stomach turned. I may have ruined that meal forever. 

Disasterous; Causing great damage. Highly unsuccessful.

I should NOT be allowed to drink alcohol. EVER.

Saturday was another excellent night out in Wimbledon. I got so HIDEOUSLY messy that I actually had to send myself home. Grim, verrrrrrry grim.

My hideous addiction to social media pretty much plays out my night and morning after.....

ATTENDED.

ATTENDED. GIVEN FREE CHAMPAGNE, POINTLESS BUT 'SUPER COOL COS YOUR WASTED' RAVE GLASSES AND A FOAM MUSTACHE.

RAN BACK TO SUBURBAN TO SHOW OFF SAID GLASSES AND MUSTACHE.

ANNNNNNND BACK TO POD AGAIN FOR A DANCE AROUND.

TAKE SPECIAL PICTURE OF FEET ACCIDENTALLY AS I HANG MY SPINNING HEAD IN SHAME. FEEL THE NEED TO SPEW MY GUTS UP.
ATTEMPT ONE LAST DANCE. DISMISS MYSELF AND WALK TO THE TAXI RANK.

CLAMBER INTO BED AT GOD KNOWS WHAT TIME AND REALISE I HAVE MISPLACED MY CARDIGAN. NOOOOO I AM NOT THAT PERSON. I DO NOT LEAVE BELONGINGS ON NIGHTS OUT. TEXT A FEW PEOPLE .... FALL ASLEEP MID TEXT.

WAKE UP AFTER 4 HOURS SLEEP. WANT THE WORLD TO SWALLOW ME UP.

DEVOUR 2 CANS OF DIET COKE AND 2 IBUPROFENS. NOTHING HELPS!!!!!

DAMMIT. STILL HAVE NOT LOCATED MY CARDIGAN.

WINNER!!!! YESSSSSSSS THANK YOU MIKEY. LEDGE

I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE RIGHT.
TODAY WAS HELL. PURE FIGHTING BACK THE NAUSEA HELL.