Mock; Tease or laugh at in a scornful or contemptuous manner.

I have a Special friend.

His name is Alex.

Likes: Bagels, mild cheese, Dr Pepper, Menthol cigarettes, pickled onions from the jar, laughing at those less fortunate than him, spending all day in his boxers, mopping the floor, awful reality TVshows, his mum, spooning, snap caps, Vans, singing at the top of his voice and wet farts.

Dislikes: Loud chewing (lad after my own heart), unavailable washing machines, mature cheese, shopfloor work, slow walkers, people blowing their nose, mess in the bathroom, dust, clumps of hair, taking his coat off and housemates not following his every rule.


There are two stand out occurrences in my time of knowing Alex that can make me LOL any place and any time.... even years later.
Although, I will admit, quite often his face or a whitty/degrading/pompous comment will also do the trick. E.g.

Incident one:

I was having a good old fashion Mancunian night out at Warehouse Project with these fine people...

We had all been drinking for a few hours already and the tomfoolery continued inside the club/derelict car park.

Alex was growing increasingly messy and had decided to hit the bar and buy 4 more cans of beer. 

Not sure why he bought four all at once but his decisions often allude me.

The girls and I were watching and waiting from a small distance.... after Alex had bought his drinks he SPUN round and started walking towards the main room.... quite out of the blue his legs picked up some  unexpected speed. 

We all began to notice that he was moving far too fast for his feet to carry him. 

The sheer weight of transporting one can in each pocket and one in each hand had caused him to double over, his face parallel with the floor - he broke into what can only be described as a swift canter, with zero control over his velocity or direction. 

SUDDENLY Alex fell forward HEAD FIRST straight into some wired fencing where two huge bouncers were standing. 

All I recall, is seeing Alex, arse in the air surrounded by dumfounded bouncers and his unopened cans rolling across the ground towards us like tumbleweed.
The whole saga reminded me of a small child in the playground that hasn't quite got to grips with his limbs and consequently falls head over heels in the most numb-skulled and ungraceful of ways. 


Incident two:
We were all at a houseparty at Rob's house.
Our friend Flossie had managed to get quite overly drunk. After lots of embarrassing and painful falls to the floor we lovingly plonked her in the spare bed upstairs.
Being the great friend that I am, I stood back and documented the whole thing on my camera.

Now, Flossie had decided to have Spaghetti for dinner that night... and following that drank copious amounts of Rose wine at the party. So you can just imagine what her B-E-A-Utiful vomit came out like.
I will note that pretty much every guest spewed at this particular party but Flossie was the first to crack.


The poor spare bed took an absolute battering of the semi-digested food kind.
A new boy was due to move into this house in two days - in lieu of cleaning the mattress, Rob decided to just flip it over. GREAT GUY.
Right, it got to the point that we felt Flossie should either have her stomach pumped or go home. The boys attempted to carry her down the stairs - keeping her low slung jeans and knickers from revealing her dignity was a massive issue but we will bypass that quickly.
Alex was one of these helpful boys - Kudos to him for that.
Once Alex had helped drop Flossie on the doorstep he came back in and stood in front of me.

I took one look at his chin and the hugest bladder paining GAFFOR of laughter erupted from my mouth.

"What????!!! WHAT?? TELL ME NOW!!!! OI Bitch tell me right now before I slap you!!"

Hanging from Alex's chin was a piece of regurgitated pink spaghetti straight from the depths of Flossie's stomach. OH MY GOSH.
If you know Alex you will KNOW that this could not have happened to a more deserving person.