My brothers and I have three gorgeous younger cousins.
....... they may have inherited the prettier end of the gene pool.... possibly.
Just to give you some background on dear old Chris. He is going to hate me for this.
As kids we were never allowed to feed Chris ANYTHING orange for fear of him going insane and running into a wall or something. This included orange juice, carrots and orange fruit pastels.
I know what you're thinking - "Orange fruit pastels.... sooooo what? They're crap anyway, just pickem out!!". No No. We couldn't take the risk.
Every other Sunday our Granddad would give my brothers and I a packet of fruit pastels each. However, our younger cousins always received a packet of white chocolate buttons. I always assumed this was because they were not mature to handle the multifaceted fruit pastel. Probably not the right adjective, but you have to admit it sounds ruddy good.
Chris was a fairly crazy, annoying, hyperactive child, he used to draw on walls with felt tip, eat all his Advent Calendar in one day and continuously reak havoc wherever he went.
One example of his common behaviour - My Aunt was eight months pregnant with my youngest cousin Katie. She had decorated a lovely little nursery for Katie, with a brand new carpet, Laura Ashley wall paper and she had stripped a door ready for a good old fashioned white wash.
Having put her two freshly bathed sons to bed, my Aunt went downstairs for a well deserved sit down in front of the TV.
A little while later she goes up to check on the boys - she is confronted with two sleeping little boys in their beds.............completely SMOTHERED from head to toe in white emulsion.
Nervously my Aunt approaches and opens the door to the nursery and discovers her lovely little room is DESTROYED. White paint splashed all over the new carpet, walls, furniture and door.
My poor heavily pregnant Aunt is faced with disaster, whilst my Uncle is on night duty. She frantically calls my Granddad out in the middle of the night to help bath the boys and put them back to bed.
To this day both my Aunt and Chris maintain this whole nightmare was a gesture of love. I believe differently.
To be honest...... not much has changed since this troublesome young age.
New Years day 2012 saw a very 'Chris style' incident. My Aunt and Uncle had invited the whole family round for dinner and drinks - excellent hangover cure.
A little while into the evening we hadn't heard a peep from Chris, so I enquired as to his whereabouts with my Uncle. (Rob was also missing, but he is far more competent than Chris so I wasn't that worried).
My Uncle (affectionately named Hunky G by us kids) replied 'I dunno, we haven't seen him since yesterday morning". OH OK... great. The little bugger still owed me £20 from the other night when I had to fork out for a taxi that he never ruddy took......
Similar conversation with Ori in regards to the same night.......
Double Pleb.
Back to New Years day......
Now, Chris does not have a phone in England... and has not had one for about 2 years now. "Rach, it's the way forward. I only have to speak to people I choose to speak to". Pretentious git.
Whilst Chris was home from Uni (he studies in America) he had been working in Mahiki in London. He had worked there New Years eve. And had clearly gone out after the bar had closed, gotten so COMPLETELY fucked off his face that he was either lying in a gutter somewhere or spooning one of his best mates far too hungover and dribbley to move.
I was hoping for the latter.
As the evening went on, neither Chris or Rob materialised. I sat there cursing under my breath that I had dragged myself from my hungover of death but Chris couldn't even make it home to see us.
The next day Hunky G came round to play my Dad at squash.
"Hunky G, what was Chris' excuse when he finally turned up?"
"Well..... he actually only got in at 7am this morning. As did Rob actually. One of them decided to make a bowl of pasta, leaving a path of destruction across the kitchen. I am willing to bet it was Chris. Don't know where he has been the last two days though".
A couple of days later, my Uncle was round again.
"Hunky G, do you have the low down on Chris' disappearance at New Year yet?"
"HA HA yeah, you're not going to believe it. He had finished his shift at Mahiki, gotten so drunken he had decided to take a nap in the staff quarters and GOT LOCKED IN THE ROOM. Every member of staff had left to continue the celebrations and left Chris locked in a room, not deliberately. He had to wait there ALL night and day for the manager to turn up. Then he had another shift that evening".
STANDARD CHRIS
"OH GOOD GOD......... serves him right for not having a phone."
What a pleb.
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