If you know the people on the LHS of this picture you will know that things are bound to get messy....
After many... many... many cocktails, shots and embarrassing declarations (on my part...) in our favourite Wimbledon based watering hole, we moved on to another fine Wimbledon based establishment (we don't vary much I am afraid).
The drinking continued.........
Towards the end of the night I took a trip to the bathroom, having done my business and washed my hands, I looked in the mirror, chuckled a little at the snoring toilet attendant sitting on the upturned bin and started to walk out of the room.
As I was leaving, I noticed the array of (CHEAP!!) perfumes the attendant had for public use. With one quick glance back at the sleeping woman I figured "WHY NOT?!". Massive hideous error.
Turns out I am not particularly stealth.
I picked up the one scent I knew was fairly trust worthy and wouldn't make me smell like eau de OLD PROSTITUTE. The choice - D&G light blue.
I sprayed two super quick squirts, keeping one eye on the sleeping dragon at all times.
I speedily managed to pop the lid back on the bottle and just as I reached to place the perfume back on the shelf the TINIEST little clink against a bottle of Lacoste Touch of Pink rang out like an echoing BELL TOWER!!
OH SHIT.
In my drunken state I legged it from the toilet as best I could. Not quick enough. I was viciously GRABBED by the hair and forced to stop dead in my tracks.
The lady demanded I pay her for the perfume - 50p! To this I said with great conviction - "WHAT?! I only took 2 squirts!!!"
She PINNED me against the wall....
"TWO squirts??? You give me one pound then"
"ERM NOOOO you were asleep!!!" - not sure where my logic was in this reaction.
"You pay me the pound right now. Do I come to your work and steal from you. Do you think that is fair? Why do you steal from me now hey?! Just because I was asleep you cannot steal from me. You are selfish girl. You stole from me. Now give me money!!!"
ONE POUND FOR TWO SQUIRTS??!!!
I'm SORRY... I didn't realise I was spraying essence of Diamond, Ruby and Platinum - the juice of which has been extracted by mute Ethiopian orphans and bottled especially for this toilet attendant by the Prince of Dubai.
Nevertheless, I actually would have paid the lady IF I had my purse on me. I had left my bag upstairs with the group - no money and no phone meant I was actually stranded with this crazy attendant who I HONESTLY believed would flush my face down the toilet if I didn't magic £1 from thin air!!!
I tried to explain I had no money on me and was accused of being both a thief and a liar - these verbal hits of abuse coming from a PSYHCO that had me restrained against a wall with her arm around my neck. CHARMING
I told the lady I would nip upstairs and get £1 for her. "NO you will not come back. You will run a way stupid girl, do you think I am stupid too, you will not come back?!" Absolutely stranded and crapping myself.
Luckily, a random girl happened upon my situation and offered to pay the lady for my release.
I had a price on my head and it was £1 - the girl only had 50p. SERIOUSLY??!! How was this happening???
Another girl appeared. I had to BEG a randomer for 50p!!!!!! It was a new low.
The lovely girls paid my ransom and the beastly attendant backed away into her dungeon of overpriced perfumes and bog roll.
I RAN for my life upstairs and did not return to the toilet for the rest of the night.
Of course my Facebook got a nice update:
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